I went to a new class last night, at a different campus of our church. Hubby and I work with our student ministry (Reality) Wednesday nights, but since they are all away at their youth retreat, we had an opportunity to visit our newest campus.
We have dear friends there and have been waiting for an opportunity like this and I was so excited to go!
Ok, that’s not true. Seriously, if you’ve read any of my blog so far, new things, new people, not my thing. Not my comfort zone. But, hubby wanted to go and I enthusiastically (ok, on the outside) said, let’s go!
We had been to counseling with our amazing pastor right before and I was feeling a little challenged and uncomfortable already. Not the time for me to want to go somewhere new.
We get there and our youngest daughter gets signed in to her group and hubby and I walk around lost for a few minutes. We figure out where to go and I realize he’s leaving me. Seriously. Ok, with a dear friend, yes, but he’s leaving me.
But, it’s ok, I’ve got this. I can do this. Small group, surely I won’t have to talk (I didn’t, yay!). My friend right beside me. Haven’t read the book they’re studying (have I told you yet I don’t like new places and especially not when I’m unprepared?!?!), but I can wing it. It’s one night and I am really good at pretending to listen while I’m completely zoned out and up in my own thoughts.
So, they’re reading this book, Big Girls Don’t Whine (by Jan Silvious—you should buy it. Like. Now. OK. Hang on. Finish reading this first, but then, really, go buy it — paperback, kindle, iPad, whatever, it’s at your fingertips.)
So I’m listening. The pastor’s wife is leading this class (she rocks by the way) and is writing things on the board…how little girls act. Then, we get to ok, how are big girls supposed to act. Well, now it’s getting interesting.
I’m kidding it’s not interesting at all. In fact, it’s pretty in my face, uncomfortable, are you really calling me out?
Um no, no one called me out. Except me. I called me out. (In my head of course, I’m not putting myself out there for everyone to point at, hello!)
But seriously, I wanted to hide. I wanted to say, ok, that’s enough, time to go. Not really feeling the whole conviction thing that’s going on inside my head right now. I just came here to check out the new campus…No break through moments tonight please. Nothing to see, keep walking…
I was already worried about some things we talked about in counseling…getting out of my comfort zone, my idea of how roles in our marriage are supposed to look like…that’s enough for me to work on without anyone adding anything else, please!
Then there’s this little voice in my head saying, um, hello, excuse me, are you listening? Because these things that are blaringly obvious on that board up there…yeah, those things you don’t want to talk about? Those are the exact things that are causing some of the difficulties in your marriage.
WHOA. Um. No. Look, I’m all about self-reflection, but, nope, the issues hubby and I are having are definitely not because I’m acting like a whiny little girl.
I just want things the way I want them. I’ve had to be mom, dad, everything for long enough. It’s his turn now. I need a break. I deserve a break. I’m not whini—oh. Huh. Um. Wow. OK.