Sometimes I don’t like it when someone else points out something I pretty much already knew but am not ready to own up to…yet…sometimes, meaning, all the time…pretty much knew, meaning, denial.
So when I was talking with a good friend/sounding board today about an issue I had with the hubby while on vacation and that someone said what I had been thinking and then promptly dismissing from my thoughts because I had no intention of dealing with it…well, you can probably guess how that went. Yeah, you’re right, yes, I should, etc etc…In my head I’m thinking, um, nope, really not going there right now.
Then said friend says the S word…As in, it’s really hard to be submissive in an area you want to keep control of.
Oh. My. Word. Let’s just hang on here. I am really working on being submissive and letting hubby make the decisions. He is the one who doesn’t want to be in charge. So, I just make decisions without asking him. Never mind that I ask his opinion most of the time, and am only not asking him when I know his answer is not going to be the one I want to hear. That, my friends, has nothing to do with submission.
Besides, hubby never wants to be involved in money discussions. I just handle it. He isn’t going to mind that I decided to take the little girls to the American Girl store without asking him…and as long as I wait until we get there to tell him we’re buying each one of them a doll…and by tell him, I mean, let him overhear me tell the little girls…that’s not NOT being submissive…right?
Never mind that after I tell the girls, he pulls me aside and says, you know how much these dolls cost? I promptly dismiss him with a yes and walk away to catch said little girls…I’m not doing anything wrong right?
I have wanted for a couple of years now to get them these dolls. Yes, I know they’re crazy expensive and honestly, probably won’t get played with a month after they get them. Maybe like the air hockey table hubby insisted they would play with forever that we got them for Christmas and it’s now just taking up room in our garage? The one I didn’t want to buy but submitted to my husband’s wishes? (Yeah, I threw the word in there, I know, I know…)
Nope, this is so not payback for that. I just want them to have the dolls. And they want them. I mean, ok, we’re in the store so of course they want them, but, um yeah…
And then, to top it all off, said friend says, you know, maybe you should apologize to him for buying the dolls without talking about it first, since it was a pretty major purchase.
(—Insert whiny voice in my head—) But I don’t want to! I handle the money, I knew what I was doing! Why should I apologize the one time he wants to have input on how we spend our money!!! I’ve asked him over and over to help me make financial decisions and he never wants to help, just tells me to handle it, so I do!
OK, whiny rant in my head over…two hours later…Is it possible he doesn’t want to help because I never really let him know everything? Because I want his input when there’s a problem, but not when I want to do something or buy something that probably isn’t a good idea and I know deep down that he might tell me it isn’t a good idea? Or I have this stupid fear of losing control over our money and not getting to spend it the way I want to? Because what hubby and I think are important sometimes looks different to each of us and if I submit to his financial decisions, I may have to give up what I want? What I want the girls to have…what I want our life to look like…what I want…
(—Insert long, dramatic, exaggerated sigh—) This submissive wife stuff is harder than I thought. But, recognizing you need to change is the first step right?
Maybe if I focused more on what I need to change in me, instead of focusing so much on what my husband needs to change in order for me to change, I might see what being a submissive wife really looks like.
Don’t forget to pre-order your signed copy of “My So-Called Life As A Submissive Wife” by Sara Horn at sarahorn.com. Release date August 1st!