We had an…argument? disagreement? heated discussion?
Something like that. Over the kids. We really only have spats about kids and money. Which, yeah, in one way or another, involves almost everything.
I don’t like conflict. I avoid it like a ninja. Haha. Ok, in my mind I avoid it like a ninja. In real life, I walk right smack in to it with no clue it’s about to happen and then ninja myself in to a corner with no way out (ok, ok, no way out AND no ninja skills)…
This is how it goes. The disagreement starts. I think one way, hubby thinks another way. I try to figure out what he thinks before I say what I think and then try to change what I say to match what I think he thinks.
Which, if I had ESP, would maybe work out awesomely. (Yeah, no ninja skills AND no ESP, I know, I’m about to strike out…)
So, instead of saying what I think, I use Angela-ese…noncommital, answer a question with a question, wait to see what hubby is going to say and then agree with him.
And it works. (Ahem. No. It doesn’t. Yeah, three strikes, I’m out.)
No, what happens is, I shut down. Sometimes I stay in the room, refusing to talk, hanging my head, really studying the floor (which could always be cleaner, so I avert my eyes to my toes…hmmm…should I leave the blue polish on or switch to pink?)…Yes. This, for real, is the conversation I have with myself in my head while I am completely shutting out and ignoring the conversation/discussion/disagreement/argument I’m supposed to be having with the hubby.
Hubby LOVES this about me. Loves the fact that we can’t have a grown up discussion without me shutting down and making him feel like a complete jerk. (Sorry, just checking in, you’ve got the sarcasm theme right? K. Good. )
So. We’re discussing one of the girls and how we should discipline her for breaking curfew. (Sorry, 5 minutes, because I don’t want you thinking we have a bad kid. FIVE minutes, anyway, moving on…) He thought we were on the same page. I thought we were on the same page. We were actually in two completely different books.
So, especially now when I’m really working on this whole submissive wife thing, I should just be quiet and wait for him to tell me what we should do, right? No avoidance, no questioning, just let him decide, right?
But this thing happened. My eyes stayed up. I talked. I didn’t try to anticipate what he was going to say. I spoke my words that came out of my thoughts. We’re still not on the same page, but I think I’m about to work my way in to his book at least. Not because I’m waffling or manipulating or rearranging my words to match his thoughts. But because I am listening to him. Responding to him. Understanding where he’s coming from. Not giving in, but really understanding what he’s saying. And what he’s not saying. And he’s looking at me. And we’re talking. Communicating. Compromising. Together.
And, in less than ten minutes, we have it worked out. No one yelled, no one’s feelings got hurt, no one gave in while secretly saying in their head, this is wrong, but I’m going to be the bigger person and let him have his way…None of this happened. We talked. We listened. We didn’t interrupt each other.
And. I didn’t shut down. It’s kind of a big deal.