So the hubby and I have been talking about money lately. A lot. And by talk about, I mean, he says, so, the way we are doing it now isn’t working, can we talk about doing it a different way? And I say sure. But not right now because….Or. Ok, let’s plan a time for that…
So, the other night, we’re driving home from somewhere and he says, so this money thing we need to talk about. I think we really need to work together on it. I mean, I would offer to take it over but I think you might freak out if you weren’t in control of it.
I laughed. You know, that, haha you’re so not funny laugh…that, I’m laughing because I don’t want to say the words going through my head laugh…that, I can laugh while I plot your instant demise laugh (just kidding, really, not quite that laugh).
See, control is one of those words that set off those crazy loud alarms in my head. Me? Controlling? HA! I don’t need to be in control. I don’t need to know/decide/control when/how/where we spend our money.
No. I’m just better at it. It’s my thing. I like numbers. And, obviously, until the hubby quit drinking, him being in charge of the money was not a good idea. It hasn’t been a good idea for 17 years. So I’ve always done it. It’s kind of my thing. No way is it a control issue.
Yes, I get what we’re doing isn’t working. We’re broke all of the time. We’re one of those dreaded paycheck to paycheck families. It sucks. I make a budget, something happens and we break the plan.
Um. My plan, yeah, but, you know…someone has to do it and I know our bills and what has to be paid when. And, sure we could talk about it. But. Um. It seems like whenever we start to talk about it, we have different ideas on how to fix it.
Different. As in. Not mine. And, seriously, this whole submissive wife thing I am really trying to figure out, has absolutely nothing to do with how we spend our money.
So, maybe a couple of days ago, hubby texts me and says, we really have to figure this out, can we please talk about it? And, he goes on for a few “pages”…and I really have nothing to say. My excuse was, I was having a bad
day week and it really wasn’t a good time for him anyone to point out any of my flaws. I may have (eventually) texted back something not very submissive nice and that was the end of that.
So, I wrote him a nice long letter apologizing and saying, hey, let’s chat about it this weekend, and that was that right?
So, right after that, I left and have been out of town since then and our normal frequent text chats have not been happening since then.
So I’ve been really working on my heart. Using this time to really try to figure out why I am having such a hard time letting go of the control I feel like I need in this area. Praying that God would show me why I’m having this struggle within myself. Or that He would just change my heart, because I don’t really need to know WHY, do I?
Well of course I do. That’s just silly to think I could just change without knowing why I act a certain way, because I
possibly probably have this issue in other areas, God just hasn’t decided I’m ready to deal with those others yet.
So what have I learned? Well, to restate the obvious, I’ve done it for 18+ years. It’s always been my responsibility. Mine to do well/mess up/start over…I’ve always felt like I’ve been alone in the area of finances. A lot of times because I was the only one working, but also because hubby never wanted to know, as long as he had drinking money, he didn’t get involved. So I’ve owned it. It’s been one thing I could control (darnit, there’s that word again!), when so much of my life, our family’s life, has been so out of control. Numbers are black and white. You have money or you don’t. It is controllable.
When hubby’s drinking was out of my control, when his decision to go to work or not was out of my control, when his words were out of my control, when his pain and anger were out of my control…Money was always something I could keep control of. When I felt so out of control…so overwhelmed…so tired…this was something I could control.
And that’s hard to give up. Do I think it’s the right thing to do? Do I think it’s the right time? Am I really ready to be submissive to my husband’s decisions about how we spend our money?
I want to be. It’s not going to be easy. I’m going to need a lot of reassurance. I’m going to have to be upfront with the hubby and say, you’re really going to have to hold my hand through this, because this kinda sucks for me. How hard this is. How emotionally tied I have become to being able to control at least something in our lives…and for that thing to be finances…it sucks.
But. It’s time. Time to move over and let the hubby take over as head of the household. To submit to his decisions. To still give my input and ideas, but to ultimately make sure he knows, whatever his decisions are, I’m going to stand beside him. Not behind him, but beside him. And whatever happens, it’s going to be the right thing. Because we’ll be in this together. We’ll be praying over the decisions together. Accepting God’s guidance and will for our finances together.
Together. That’s what marriage is all about right?