We all have these. You know, the unspoken expectations we take in to a new relationship, job, friendship…The things we assume everyone knows, because we all think exactly the same and expect exactly the same and can all read each others’ minds.
So, kind of like how my hubby has ESP and knows what I’m thinking and what I want and how I’m feeling.
So we go in to our marriages with these unwritten contracts. I did. I have dreamed about/planned/thought out how married life would be since I can remember. And yes, my way is the right way.
I won’t work. I’ll be a SAHM. My husband will have a great job and we won’t have to worry about money. We’ll vacation at Disney and the beach. I’ll be home room mom and volunteer at the school. I’ll cook and bake and have a perfectly decorated home. I’ll meet hubby at the door when he gets home from work with a kiss and dinner on the table.
That was my contract. To say it has been broken would be a little bit of an understatement. To say any of it is true…um. Well. No.
So, now that life has happened and choices that my hubby has made and choices that I have made and choices we have made together have our lives going in a completely different direction, I’ve rewritten the contract right? I’ve at least told hubby about the contract right?
No. Because I still want those things. Those things that are out of my reach. Maybe just for now, but maybe forever. And it makes me sad. And being sad about it makes me feel guilty. Guilty for wanting things I don’t have. Guilty for not being thankful enough for what I do have.
I have a sober husband. I have healthy kids. I have a God that loves me and carries me through every day. How can I want more?
No, seriously, how can I want more?
I need to rewrite the contract. With my husband. I need to remind myself of what I do have and not what I don’t.
And I know, there will be people who read this and judge me. And I don’t care. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m a work in progress. I struggle with this everyday. Some days are harder than others. Some days are…well…maybe not easy, but some days I’m more hopeful than others.
I do trust that God will provide. I also trust that if I make stupid choices, I can’t expect God to bail me out.
I’m starting on my part of the contract. And while it will include stuff about money and other tangible things, it’s going to be more about the intangibles. Love, trust, quality time, understanding, forgiveness, submissiveness…
You know. The important stuff.