It seemed like an innocent question. People were answering so easily.
“What do you see when you look in the mirror?”
He skipped around the room, people answered, with their names.
“I see “Betty”.” “I see “Jared”.” “I see me.”
I thought for a moment he was going to ask me. I was terrified. Frozen. Don’t ask me. Don’t ask me. Please don’t ask me.
What could I say? The first thing that came to my mind? The thing I tell myself everytime I look in the mirror? The ugly words I speak in to my own mind?
I couldn’t lie. What good would that do. Hundreds of words, thoughts, feelings flew through my mind in those brief moments. Panic. Pain. Isolation. Fear.
It was ok though…I had my mask on…no one would know what was running through my mind. When I say no one could be harder on me than I am on myself…it’s not just something I say to stop people from telling me about my mistakes. I really and truly don’t think any other person could be as hard on me as I am on myself.
On a daily basis. Every time I look in the mirror.
What do I see? Loser. Failure. Inadequate. I berate myself constantly. I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough…I don’t keep house well…I fail daily with my kids…with my husband…My faith isn’t strong enough…I don’t pray out loud well…I rely too much on others…I don’t know how to ask for help…I don’t reach out to friends and family, just to stay in touch…I don’t manage my time well…I don’t trust…I don’t know how to have real friendships…
Really the list goes on and on. The I don’ts…The I’m nots…The isn’ts…
I recently came across a song by Mandisa…The Truth About Me…
I sing it several times a day…The words are burned in to my mind…They just haven’t made it in to my heart yet…
“If only I could see you as you see me…and understand the way that I am loved. Would it give a whole new meaning to my purpose…Change the way I see the world…Would I sparkle like a star in the night sky? Would I give a little more instead of take? If I understood I’m precious like a diamond, of a worth no one could estimate…I’m a worth no one could estimate…
You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven….I feel lonely, You say You’re with me, we both know it could change everything…If only I believed…the truth about me…
I wish I could hold on to those moments, when my life is spinning but I’m peaceful still. Like a wind you whisper in the silence and tell me things this world never will…You tell me things this world never will..
You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven….I feel lonely, You say You’re with me, we both know it would change everything…If only I believed…the truth about me…
I would sleep better at night. Wake up with hope for another day. I would love even if it cost me, take a chance and know I’m gonna be ok.
I would dare to give my life away.
I feel lonely, You say you’re with me, we both know it would change everything….If only I believed the truth about me……”
It is the most beautiful, perfect song. I repeat the chorus over and over in my mind, praying the words will make their way in to my heart…”You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven…”
“I would dare to give my life away…” I try. I think. I have intentions…But really it’s just another area of my life I am failing at.
I’m too hard on myself. I’m not a bad person. I try. I love. I give.
But I have these words etched in to my heart…words I have heard for years and years…words that cannot be unsaid. Words that I cannot unhear.
I want to hear different words now. I want to hear lovely. Forgiven. Precious. Worthy.
Rewiring your heart takes a lot of time. A lot of work. Healing is hard. It doesn’t come easily to me. Tears come easily. God comes to me easily…so why is it so hard for me to go to Him…to hear His voice in my head instead of my own?
If only I believed…the truth about me……….