June 3, 2013.
Every week I listened to them talk about taking that first step. How it was their favorite chip to give away. The blue chip.
If you’re tired of living the same way. If you’re ready to make a change. If you’re ready to admit you can’t do this on your own and you need God.
Every week. I listened. And I stayed still. My pride made concrete of my feet.
Until finally. June 3, 2013. I moved. I walked around my husband, around the table, up to the front. To get my blue chip…my hug…my “I’m so proud of you girl!”…
Taking that step wasn’t easy. When I finally realized it wasn’t about who was there…who would see me…what they might say…
Because the walking isn’t the hardest part. It was admitting to myself that my life was out of control. That all of my problems weren’t my husband’s fault. It was saying to God, I can’t do this anymore…I don’t want to do this anymore…I need You. I need Your help. I know I can’t change on my own. I am helpless without You.
I wanted to fast forward my way to life being perfect. I didn’t want to have to do any work. I didn’t want to admit that anything that wasn’t going right was a result of my hurts…habits…hang ups…
Then, since that was working so well…
I gave up. Not on my marriage…or my family…or myself…I gave up my control.
And I walked up and got my blue chip. It is the most important chip. It’s that moment when you admit you’re powerless…your life is unmanageable…you can’t do it alone.
It’s scary. It’s freeing. It’s amazing.
It’s the first step of a journey. A journey that will be full of ups and downs, highs and lows, tears and laughter, joy and grief. A journey that will be shared with my Forever Family who will walk beside me each step of the way. A journey, not a destination, not a race to some imagined finish line.
I hung the chip on my key ring. Where I will see it several times a day. Where I can feel it. A reminder of where my strength comes from. A symbol of the gift of God’s grace.
I made a conscious decision to live differently. In everything I do, everywhere I go, everyone I interact with.
“For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” Romans 7:18
I can’t do this on my own. And I don’t have to.
“The Lord is my Helper and I am not afraid of anything that mere man can do to me.” Hebrews 13:6
Celebrate Recovery isn’t a meeting you go to once a week. It’s not somewhere you go to get fixed. It’s not just for those really messed up people. It’s a new way of living. A way to a closer relationship with God. A place to build healthy relationships – to be part of a Forever Family. A journey, not a destination. It’s for me…for my husband…for my kids…for you.
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