I remember when it first started…the picture on Pinterest, a guy and his wife, showing the backs of their shirts, his said “I got 99 problems” and hers said “And I ain’t 1”. Cute right?
Then, more recently, the posts like the picture above…I’ve got 99 problems…and 86 (love random numbers) are made up scenarios that I stress about for no reason.
I think I’ve gotten over something…moved past it. Then there’s the trigger…the smallest thing…
Like the other night, I was handing my hubby something and his hand was shaking. It’s instinct, my reaction. The sudden lump in my throat. My heart racing. Thoughts go crazy in my head. There’s no rational reason for it. All I can think is…he’s drinking again. Never mind that he hadn’t eaten all day and I know from experience that his hands shake from that. My mind doesn’t go there….it goes there.
He has a 3 day weekend coming up and says he wants to go camping. I’m leaving to go out of town Monday, before he would be back. I’m panicking. What if he comes home and only the girls are here and he’s relapsed. All of a sudden it’s May 2012 all over again. (https://lifewithgreeneyes.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/seventeen-birthdays/)
I start coming up with all of these what-if’s…what I would do, how I would react, how would I even get home? I even go so far as to whisper a short prayer…God – if he does relapse – don’t let him come home.
It’s a dark place, these what-if’s. It’s not somewhere I want to be. 17 months in to his sobriety…I shouldn’t worry anymore…right? I should have more trust.
Shouldn’t’s…Should’s……They aren’t reality. This is my reality. My thought life. My worry that I give over just to take right back.
Some days I feel like I’ll never not worry about a relapse.
Some days I can’t imagine it ever happening.
Most days…usually at night when I can’t sleep…these made-up scenarios run around in my head. It’s wearing me out.
I know intellectually that no amount of worrying or trusting will make him relapse or keep him from relapsing.
I know from experience that I will spend countless sleepless nights trying to prepare, just in case…
I know in my heart and soul that God wants more for me.
I know…I think…I hope…I pray…some day I will stop.