Alex and I spent a long overdue “just us” afternoon together.
After church we headed to Barnes and Noble and ran in to Tori and took silly pictures, then headed to the mall for a movie.
She wanted to see Book of Life. Me. Not so much.
So we settled on Best Of Me.
I needed a good cry and she was happy to make fun of me when I started crying five minutes in.
That’s the great thing about sad movies. When life is hard. When your heart is broken. When you need a place to hide your tears.
You go see a movie. Right? I mean. I can’t be the only one who does that…can I?
Preferably a sad, romantic, type movie. Where you have several opportunities to cry your heart out in the dark anonymity of a theater.
Enough happy parts so you can compose yourself in between uncontrollable crying jags.
Not so sad that the uncontrollable crying gives way to uncontrollable sobbing.
Sad enough that when someone asks about your tear stained face you can say the name of the movie and not have to give any other explanation.
Because you can’t. Brokenness is beyond words.
And somehow not saying it out loud lets you pretend it isn’t real.
I’ve repeated these words from our pastor in this morning’s message over and over.
“I didn’t get where I was going, but I did get where God intended me to be.”
I don’t know where God intends for me to be right now. I don’t know if His plan is this messy, broken, empty place. A place that shows how completely powerless I am so that I will learn to rely solely on His strength.
A place I can’t fix. Or. In all honesty. Even face.
I read this beautiful blog post tonight:
And this verse:
I have no fight left in me. So I must be ready to be still…aren’t I?
Yes. I am. Ready. To be. Still.