Too Hard

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The words were not any I was expecting…or even ready to hear. Not this time. I hadn’t prepared myself for this. Other times, yes. But not this time.

We made plans. 2015 was going to be a better year. It had to be. 2014 was too hard. I needed a good year. An easy year. A year where life was…maybe not easy…but just not so hard.

All I could do was cry. I knew he was right. We were going to do this again. It was the only way.

I took my husband to the ER and they admitted him to the hospital. Started the IV…shots…drawing blood. It was different this time.

Different. And harder.

Maybe because it wasn’t my idea. None of this was my idea. I needed it to not be true. And if it was true I needed him to be able to stop on his own.

But when we sat in our pastor’s office and he told me Rob needed to go to the hospital and then to a long term rehab, I knew he was right.

Rob hadn’t eaten for almost three weeks. I was traveling and either barely noticed or chose not to notice. Every week when I got home he would say he would stop. That he was done.

But he was never done. He couldn’t stop.

The next few days are a fuzzy memory. No sleep, driving back and forth to the hospital. Trying to get him into rehab. Trying to tell the girls it would be ok when I didn’t believe myself. Bracing myself for the questions. Telling a few people. But not many. Being the wife of the not-so-much-recovering but now again a full blown alcoholic.

I didn’t want to be her. I don’t want to be her.

The girls telling me they didn’t want to see daddy right now. To tell him they love him but they just weren’t ready to see him.

I think they didn’t want to see him in “that place”. I don’t blame them. I didn’t want to go either. But I went.

When they released him and I was late getting there. And couldn’t find something he wanted me to bring. And brought the wrong clothes for him to wear. And did everything wrong. And was making him worry about me because I wasn’t acting like I was strong…enough. And I tried to defend myself. And I tried to hold back my tears. Because if I told him…I’m not. I’m not strong enough to do this again. If I was the reason he didn’t get the help he needed…I couldn’t be that.

I could be strong. I could hold back the tears. I could pretend my world wasn’t falling apart. Just for a few more hours. I had to. And I did.

And as I left him and sat in the car. I stopped being strong. I let the tears come. I cried out loud. I poured out all of my fears in a desperate prayer. I let myself be angry. And sad. And afraid.

Just for a few moments. Because to give in to those emotions for too long would have had me running back inside and begging him to come home and couldn’t we just figure this out without him being gone.

For fourteen months.

I don’t even know how to comprehend that. It’s too long. Maybe not long enough. Maybe so long that…

All of the fears started again. Will this work?

I’d told him as we sat in that office a few days earlier…I need this to work this time. I can’t go through this again. I will. But. I don’t want to. It’s too much. It’s too hard.

I need this to work.

It’s too hard.

But then. I look again. And I think.

It’s hard.

But maybe not too hard.

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About angelastricklin

Thanks for stopping by! If you're on FB, follow me: www.facebook.com/lifewithgreeneyes Instagram @angelastricklin Twitter @angelastricklin Pinterest @Angela Stricklin I'm a wife, mom of three girls and one fur baby. By day, I'm an HR manager to pay for all things girly girl and occasional fur baby treats. I add things to my Amazon wish list instead of my cart because my girls cost All. The. Money. Instead of sleeping, you can find me writing about faith, marriage, parenting and my favorite things on Facebook , Twitter , Instagram , and Pinterest.
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10 Responses to Too Hard

  1. Plaidfuzz says:

    Oh Angela, I have followed your story for a while now and my heart breaks for you. But he is where he needs to be, and you are in the palm of God’s hand. Please feel free to contact me at any time, even if you just need someone to vent to.

  2. Sharon Lee Lockhart says:

    God will bless you for sure. He is good and will take care of the things that need taken care of. Keep leaning on him, he will be your rock, and he will lead you where you need to be. I will keep you and your family in my prayers for Strength, Comfort and Peace.
    Just keep on praying for your husband, your children and yourself.
    God will listen and give to you all you need to get thru this.
    Be Blessed, others are praying for you too!!!

  3. Buffy says:

    You are very strong! You can handle this! You need this time to heal and take care of you and your girls! I’m praying for you all!

  4. ~ Sadie ~ says:

    Angela – sending prayers, good thoughts and as much strength as I can your way . . . you can do this, though I know it is hard, heart-breaking and feels hopeless at times. But sometimes walking away is impossible, because when people we love are in trouble, that’s just not what we do . . . we stay and help them and pick them up again and again until they can carry themselves . . . I have just a tad bit of experience in this area . . .
    {{hugs}}

  5. diningwithdebbie says:

    I’m sorry. I will put you, Rob and your children on my prayer list if you don’t mind. Just know that I am always willing to listen when you need an ear.

  6. I am so sorry that you are going through this, truly. Know that I can totally relate to your daughters right now. You are strong, never underestimte your power. However, know that you can break, let it all flow out. I pray for God to fill you in those empty places with his promises and love. Stephanie

  7. I have found that the more it costs me, the more God can and will do with it. I never wanted to pay any of the prices I’ve paid, but I am in awe at what God has done with it…. I will pray.

  8. Pingback: Too Hard | lifewithgreeneyes

  9. leannelc says:

    that was heart rending and I pray that things will work out for you and your family – addiction is a horrific thing – it affects so many more people than just the addict. Hold on tight to God and to your children and find someone who you can talk to honestly and be supported by xxx

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