We were actually running on time. On a Monday. IKR The girls had eaten breakfast, got ready and we were out the door. On time.
Then we pulled up at school. Saw kids getting out of the cars in front of us. In their pajamas.
I looked over at Savannah and said…Is today pajama day?
She nodded and waited. Probably for me to get irritated about not being told earlier.
And honestly, if it had been a week earlier, I
probably would have been.
But things had happened in the last week…things had been said…I had found out things…people who love us had started shaking me out of the distractedIcantdothisletspretendlifeisntfallingapart fog I had been in.
I had a huge wake up call Thursday from someone who loves and cares about me too much to let me beat myself up.
So I stayed home. And cooked. And Alex declared she was a vegan. Just for that meal. And she ate popcorn instead of what I cooked. And it was okay. I didn’t come unglued.
Friday was…devastating. Things happened that I couldn’t ignore. I had tried. And been successful. I had let too many things go. But now it was time to deal with the consequences of pretending things weren’t falling apart.
It took one of my very best friends saying things I didn’t want to think about, let alone hear from someone else…that confirmation that one of the things that kept me awake at night…something I worried over…it was time to deal with reality. Whether I was ready or not.
I wasn’t ready. But it was time.
Here I was…once again…telling my girls school…their daddy is in rehab.
They aren’t handling it well.
They need help.
We need help.
The counselor…so much more understanding than the time a few years ago I had sat ashamed…feeling judged. ( https://lifewithgreeneyes.wordpress.com/2013/05/29/im-that-mom/ )
Saying anyone who looked at the transcripts would see…something had obviously happened in the last few weeks.
The falling grades. The missing homework. Absences. Inattention.
And. Someone had. One teacher had reached out and said. Hey. What’s going on? Is everything ok? This isn’t like her.
I made it about two minutes before I had to stop. I didn’t want the tears falling. And she understood. Didn’t judge. Offered help. To tell her teachers.
Teachers who love my girl. ( https://lifewithgreeneyes.wordpress.com/2014/10/15/fav-five-friday-vol-tuesday/ )
Then the weekend. Showing up for things I didn’t want to. Being not just there but actually present.
Sunday morning. Sleeping in but making it to church. A short conversation with Rob’s parents that meant more to me than they could possibly know. Once again, offering without me even having to ask. We’ll make this our priority.
Once again, trying to hold back tears.
Then the message from our pastor. About storms.
Seriously y’all. He wrote it just for me.
The afternoon spent talking to my girl, telling her I knew what was going on at school. Apologizing to her. Telling her I know this is hard. And it sucks. And I’m sorry. And we’re going to get through this. Together.
And I’m so sorry for checking out these past few weeks. When you needed me most. I’m so sorry.
Which brings us back to Monday morning. And the drop off line at school.
Where I didn’t come unglued. I smiled. Said. It’s fine really. Turned around. Drove back home. Found clean pajamas.
Yes. They were on Rob’s side of the bed. ( https://lifewithgreeneyes.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/the-other-side-of-the-bed/ )
Yes. They were Christmas pajamas.
No. I didn’t care. She didn’t care.
We went back to school and she hopped out. In her pajamas. Just like all the kids in the cars in front of us.
And I was a little late to work.
And it didn’t matter.
I’m learning that the things I used to come unglued over aren’t worth coming unglued.
Saying yes to my girls as often as I can for things that really matter is important.
Life is hard right now. But I have people who love us and are there. Even when I can’t ask. They offer.
Mostly…I am remembering that my God is bigger than this storm we’re in right now. Even when I feel like life is too hard…too much…nothing is too much for Him.
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